I am Sorry for Your Loss

For the last month, my son Paul and I have been working through the complex and extensive paperwork associated with his father’s estate. Whether dealing with banks and investment firms, telephone and internet companies, government agencies, or anyone else, a key phrase is “I am sorry for your loss.” Sometimes this condolence is said with sincerity and compassion immediately after we inform them of a death in our family, but often any expression of sympathy seems to be an afterthought, arriving as long as half an hour into the discussion. I get the impression that public-facing managers are professionally trained to express condolences but some seem unclear on the concept.

I have been surprised at which companies were the most compassionate in their approach. My favorite response was from the Xfinity telecommunications company. The local Xfinity manager was remarkably supportive and kind. She said she too had recently experienced a death in her family, was sorry for what we were going through, and she was super-helpful in getting the account closed quickly. In contrast, the manager at the decedent’s primary bank was uninformed of bank procedures, tried to delay at every opportunity, and only said “I am sorry for your loss” at the end of an extensive and frustrating conversation. This was despite Paul being clearly listed as the “POD” (payable at death) account beneficiary. When we arrived back at the bank four days later for the first available appointment when he could help us, this bank manager’s boss came by and was much more supportive.

We have found that each organization seems to have different terms for dealing with death. Names for the death department so far include, “Estate Department,” “Estate Care Department,” “Life Events,” “Probate,” and “Wealth Transfer.” Such a strange reflection of how our culture reluctantly engages with a life event we will all experience in time.

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